Conversations with Mom
by theputz913
Summary: Kate visiting her mom's grave discussing things that happen at work and in her personal life.
1. Chapter 1

January 9, 2012

Hey mom, it's me Katie. I can't believe it has been thirteen years since that night that Daddy and I came home to find that detective standing on our doorstep to deliver the worst news that anyone should ever have to face. I couldn't bear to go to work today. My emotions are all over the place. Every year on this day, I take this day off every year to come here to visit you and hide myself away from the world and cry my eyes out. I thought that my grief would subside over time, but the anniversary of your murder is like a gash to my heart that can't ever be stitched back together.

I'm sorry that I haven't been by to see you in a while but I have been busy with work and therapy. Dr. Burke is really helping me deal with the "emotional train-wreck" that I have become since that day last May. That brings up the other reason I need to talk to you. I have always been so determined that I need to solve your murder before I can move on with my life and have a chance at happiness. Mom, I don't want to let you down. Dr. Burke keeps telling me that I can't let you down because you are dead. He also tells me that all a parent wants for their children is for them to be healthy and happy. I want to be happy and I think I can be with Rick. Yes, I called him Rick. He makes me want to be happy. I never thought I deserved to be happy, at least until I could give myself closure with solving your murder.

I am in love with him. I wish you could give me some advice like you did when I was a lovesick teenager. He told me he loves me when I was lying there with a bullet hole in my chest bleeding out in his arms. What should I do? I lied to him. I told him I didn't remember what happened at the cemetery that day…that I didn't remember him confessing his love. I need to tell him but I'm scared to put myself out there. I keep telling myself that he said it in the heat of the moment because he thought I was going to die in his arms. I know that isn't entirely true, but I tell myself that to justify lying to him. I know he loves me. I see it everyday in the little things he does like bringing me coffee and the fact that he has always stood by me even when I told him to leave. I am afraid to dive into a relationship with him because I can't lose him. What if this doesn't work out and he is no longer in my life? I don't think I could survive it. I have been so mean to him, Mom. Why does he let me treat him so bad? I don't deserve him. I have lied to him about my shooting and ignored him for months because of my emotional hang-ups but he keeps showing up and supporting me. What happens if I tell him that I heard him and he gets angry and never speaks to me again? Mom, tell me what to do.

I am jerked from my one-sided conversation by a bone chilling gust of wind and the snap of a twig behind me. As I turn to locate the source of the snapping twig behind me I am met with the deep blue pools that I find myself staring into across my desk everyday at the 12th. There he stands, just staring at me mouth agape. Our eyes never waver. We just look at each other for what seems like hours but is really only a minute or two. I break eye contact and look at the ground as these thoughts cross my mind. How long has he been standing there and how much did he overhear before I heard him approach? What is he heard my confession to my mom? What happens now? Do I bring it up and try to get him to admit how much he heard or do I let him bring it up? As I look back up I notice that he is still watching me and he has a beautiful bouquet of flowers in his left hand.

"Rick, what are you doing here?" I asked hesitantly, my mind racing back to my previous thoughts.

"I remembered what today was when I got to the 12th and the guys said you weren't coming in today. So I stopped by the flower shop on the corner and thought I would bring these to your mom. I know I never met her, but it felt like the right thing for me to do today. I am sorry that I interrupted. That was not my intent. I'll just put these down by the head stone and leave you to it."

"Rick, you don't have to leave. I was just talking to my mom about everything that has been going on with me. It's been a while since I spoke to her. God, my shrink would have a field day with this talking to a tombstone thing! I was …"

"You're seeing a shrink?" Rick blurted out.

"Yes, I am. I have been ever since I came back to work. I see Dr. Burke, the department psychiatrist, at least once a week sometimes more if necessary. I saw him several times a week during the sniper case."

"Oh, I'm glad you have someone you can talk to about that stuff."

"Castle. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about seeing Dr. Burke. It's just easier to talk to a stranger sometimes. I'm not trying to shut you out. I am just really trying to work through some stuff and he is helping me deal with the PTSD and the repercussions of my shooting."

"You have PTSD? I know you were struggling with the sniper case. I just thought it was due to our killer being a sniper. I should have figured it out. I didn't put it together, I'm sorry I couldn't help you."

"You helped more than you know. I knew you were there for me and I know that you are the one who convinced Esposito to have that conversation. You giving me space to deal with it on my own helped. I know it was hard for you to keep your distance and I know I said some pretty mean things to you and for that I am truly sorry. I know you wanted to help."

"Always."

I look back down at the flowers he is still holding and reach out for them to place them next to the single flower that I had place next to the grave marker earlier.

"I was about to fill Mom in on the plans for that "event" that we have been planning. Would you like to stay and help me fill her in on your grand plan?"

"Sure, I can stay if that is what you want me to do. I don't want to intrude. I got the distinct impression that you were having a very serious discussion when I arrived."

"Just seeking advice from my Mom and remembering the past."

"So what have you told her about this little "event"? Did you tell her how it all came about from the dead lottery winner case? Did you tell her about how I kept nagging you about what you would do if you won the lottery?"

"How did you figure out what I would do anyway? You never did tell me how you figured it out."

"Well, actually, it was something you said that sparked the idea. I overheard you telling mother that she should do something to honor Chet's legacy while you were waiting for me to change clothes before we went to that club looking for Oz."

"Oh. I just thought maybe you were a mind reader or a psychic or something." I say with an eye roll.

Castle chuckles at my comment and turns to face Mom's grave marker and begins to spin his next greatest story for her. I listen intently as he tells her about his guest list of the social elite from the mayor and city officials to a pretty impressive list of authors that he plays poker with. I realize he has put a lot more thought and work into this than I would have known without running into him today at the cemetery. Once again, it hits me full force that I really need to be honest with him about what I heard and how I feel about him. Everything he does for me proves that his confession had nothing to do with the heat of the moment. He loves me more than I could have imagined.

He can tell that I have zoned out during his story and just keeps on talking, thinking that I am off in my own little world and am not paying any attention to what he is rambling on about, which I am not. That is, until he says something that causes my head to jerk up and my eyes to lock onto his.

"…. I spent a lot of time over this past summer working on this scholarship dinner once I finished writing Heat Rises. I wanted everything to be all set when Kate came back to work. I knew she wasn't going to be able to deal with the planning while she was healing from her shooting."

"I, uh, had no idea that you worked on this over the summer. I…. I am so sorry that …I didn't know". I trail off as I break eye contact again, ashamed of how I treated this man who loves me so much.

"Don't worry about it. I had a lot of time on my hands and this kept my mind occupied while you were getting healthy." He says trying to get me to understand that it really helped him to have this connection to me while I was shutting him out. "Well, Mrs. Beckett, that is how this event came about. We are only month away from the big day in February when we can fund this scholarship that will help those people in the legal system that need more heroes like you."

"Rick …"

"No, Kate, it's fine … we're good. I do have a question for your mom though."

"Go ahead Castle, ask away… you have bent her ear for over an hour with your tales of the extravagant event you have planned for February. A few more minutes can't hurt." I try to lighten the mood resorting back to our banter that makes us, us.

He clears his throat and hesitates a moment before taking me by the hand and asking my mom the question he wanted to ask. "Mrs. Beckett, since you aren't going to be here for this event, I was wondering if it would be okay if I asked the most extraordinary woman I know if she will be my date to benefit dinner that is to be held in your honor." Rick shifts his gaze from the gravestone to my face and smiles, that one that lights up his whole face, and says, "Katherine Beckett, would you do me the honor of being my date to the scholarship dinner in honor of your mom?"

"Rick, I uh, I would love to be your date. I couldn't think of anyone I would rather go with. Thank you for this. I know I don't say it often but I do appreciate this."

"You don't have to thank me, Kate. I did it for me too."

"Give me a minute to say goodbye to mom and I will buy you one of those one hundred coffees that I owe you."


	2. Chapter 2

Hi Mom, I bet you didn't expect to see me back here so soon, especially after such a long time between visits in the past. I just really had something I wanted to tell you about and it couldn't wait.

My friend, Ryan, got married not long after I was here. You know that I am not one to get all swept up in emotions Mom, but the joy of that day caused something to shift in me that I was not expecting. At first, I had the biggest sense of dread about going to the wedding. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to share in their happiness because it was too close to the anniversary of your death. I was afraid of being filled with hope of a future I wasn't sure I could ever have. I was afraid of attending the wedding alone. But the thing that I was terrified the most about was that Rick would have a woman on his arm, which would cause me to be a jealous, raving lunatic. I tossed and turned for weeks over whether he would have a plus one or not. I was driving myself crazy over the idea of it even though I know how he feels about me.

My fears about his plus one status were finally put aside a few days before the wedding when that subject came up at the break room table in the precinct. Esposito made some comment about checking out some of Jenny's cousins or bridesmaids and was surprised by Ryan's revelation that his ex-girlfriend Lanie was bringing a plus one to the wedding. So, I tried to ease his concern by saying that I was going alone so I would dance with him if the need should arise. Then I was met with the harsh reality of Ryan's next comment about Castle having a plus one also. My heart was in my throat when I asked him whom he was bringing. He got this twinkle in his eye as he started telling us about how wonderful his "date" is. I realized I was holding my breath for the impending punch to my stomach when he smiled that megawatt smile of his and confessed that his daughter, Alexis, was his plus one. You can't even imagine the relief I felt as the green-eyed monster drifted back behind my fragile heart.

My breath caught when a tuxedo clad Rick walked into the atrium of the church. He looked so incredibly handsome that I couldn't contain the flutter of my heart and the smile that graced my lips. I immediately made my way over to, glancing behind him to see where Alexis had gone. He caught on to what I was doing and explained that his daughter had ditched him for a Lady Gaga concert. I somehow found the courage to suggest that we could be each other's plus one. The next thing I remember is a conversation about how envious he was of Kevin and Jenny and me saying something about the third time being a charm. Then he offered his arm to me and escorted me to a pew up front as the ceremony was ready to begin. It felt so right to be walking up that aisle with my arm in his. So right, in fact, that my thoughts began to circle around a future with him and I walking the same path for real someday. I was so swept away in my thoughts of a future with Rick that I missed the entire ceremony.

I was jostled from my daydream when Lanie asked me if I needed a ride to the reception. I said that I was going to catch a ride with Castle and was greeted with a squeal of delight from my, not so subtle, best friend. She gave me a knowing smile and a wink as she made her way out the door. I waited on the church steps as people shuffled out to make their way to the reception hoping to catch my newly acquired plus one as he made his way to the parking lot. I guess Rick and I were sharing the thought as he came up along side me to again offer his arm and an invitation to accompany him to the reception.

Mom, the reason this conversation couldn't wait is because not only did I catch a glimpse of the future I "could" have. I also got to feel what it would be like to be more that partners with Rick. Those feelings that started to stir in my heart at the wedding expanded ten fold at the reception. I spent the majority, …who am I kidding, … the entire reception by his side. I spent most of the night on the dance floor wrapped in his strong embrace. I thought that the coffee he brought me was heavenly, but nothing could compare to the feeling of having his arms wrapped around me. He even gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek when he dropped me off at my apartment at the end of the night. He actually thanked me for taking pity on him and being his plus one. I haven't felt that safe or loved since I was a child and you or Daddy would wrap me up and hold me until the sadness went away. I don't know how he does it, Mom, but he always seems to know what I need from him. Sometimes it's the quiet reassurance that he is there for me, other times it a whispered word and more often than not, it is just a look that passes between us. He never pushes me except when I should be and he has the patience of a saint when it comes to my hang-ups.

Mom, did you ever experience that with Daddy? Did you ever have moments where you didn't have to say a word for him to know exactly what you were thinking? Rick and I seem to say so much without a word slipping from our lips. The guys make fun of us for finishing each other's sentences. They tell us how creepy that is or accuse us of practicing the connection that we share when they aren't around. Have you ever loved someone so much that it scared you? That is physically hurts? I am so scared to let him completely in because of the damage it could do if something went wrong. I know couples fight and go through rough spots, but we have so much potential to hurt each other because the feelings are so strong.

I know that I need to tell him that I remember and how I feel about him. Especially, after crossing some invisible line I had drawn regarding a personal relationship with him. After spending the whole reception in the safety of his arms and letting him take me home, I know I owe him more than I have been letting him see.

Do you have any words of wisdom? Do I tell him both secrets I have been keeping or just the one about how I feel? Can I pursue a relationship with Rick with my secrets? Am I ready to risk everything that we have built over the last four years for something more? Am I ready for more? Why does this have to be so complicated? I wish you could give me some kind of answer or a sign so I know what to do.

Well I better go. I can't feel my fingers anymore, Mom. I'll try to make a better effort about coming to visit more often. I love you Mom. Bye.


	3. Chapter 3

Mom, it's me again. I know I said I would make more of an effort about this, but maybe I am going overboard. I just have something nagging at me and I didn't know where else to go. Dr. Burke was unavailable and this wasn't something I could discuss with Lanie or Rick. Especially Rick, when it has everything to do with our partnership.

We just caught a case involving the mayor. Him and Rick have been friends for years and the reason that Rick is still allowed to shadow me on my cases even against the wishes of my captain. Everything lead we come across points to the mayor as our most viable suspect. Rick keeps trying to convince me that the Mayor Weldon that he knows could never do something like this. He has played poker with this man for years and can tell when he is hiding something. He wants me to believe that he is right and look elsewhere for suspects. I keep telling him that I have to follow the evidence and can't let my personal feelings get in the way of doing my job. My thoughts keep circling around my loyalty to my job and my loyalty to our partnership. I was so torn that I actually had to send Rick home today because he could no longer be objective about the mayor's possible involvement. It broke my heart to look into the deep blue eyes and tell him he had to leave. But I did it anyway and turned on my heels and left the precinct with Ryan.

After we decided to close up shop for the evening, I wondered around Central Park for an hour lost in my thoughts about this case and my now banished partner. What if the mayor did kill our victim? What happens if he didn't and I ruin his career with these accusations? What happens to Castle and I if the mayor is kicked out of office? Rick said it himself, "As soon as you move on him, I'm gone." He knows that Captain Gates thinks that he doesn't belong with us at the 12th. Epso even voiced the same concern that the first thing Gates would do is kick Castle to the curb.

What am I going to do if he isn't my partner anymore? I have come to rely so heavily on him. I even look forward to all of those crazy CIA and alien theories he throws at us when we get stumped. I am hesitant to admit it, but he is very helpful and so very good at picking up the smallest of details. He thinks outside the box and has been instrumental in solving some of our cases. He makes me a better cop. He is part of our team. What am I going do if he isn't there to have my back anymore? He has saved me more times than I can count and far more than he even knows. If he is gone from the 12th does that mean I lose him from my life? Our relationship is based on my work, what do I do if we don't have that anymore? Can we have a relationship solely based outside of the precinct?

Mom, I wish you were here. I could really use your advice, even if it is something I don't care to hear. Do I follow my head? Or do I follow my heart? If only this were that simple. Gates told me to do my job no matter where it leads no matter the consequences. Normally, being the hard-nosed cop that I am, this wouldn't be a problem. But it isn't everyday that there is so much riding on one of my cases. I just hope that after all of the dust settles when this case is over that everyone gets the results they want.

Wish me luck Mom! Hopefully, I will solve the case and get to keep Rick as my partner! I love you.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey Mom, I was out for a run. I didn't even know where I was until I looked up and was outside the gates. I see I am not the only one who has dropped by this morning. I guess dad was here. The flowers are beautiful by the way. I know you are curious as to why I'm here on a Wednesday morning and not at work. I finally have a day off and I couldn't just sit there at home all day in my apartment. I know what you're thinking, "This is New York Katie, the city that never sleeps. There are hundreds of things you could do that don't involve being 'trapped' in your lonely apartment". But what fun are those things when I am alone? Everyone that I would want to spend my day off with probably already made plans or are at work. I know, there is one person that would probably drop everything to spend the day with me if I just had the nerve to ask him. That is part of the reason I can't spend the day at home with nothing to do! My thoughts seem to drift to him more and more everyday. Besides, things have been a little awkward betwen us the past couple of days. We shared a "moment" and when we realized what was happening we both pulled away and he made a hasty exit from my apartment.

We had this case where a dog show judge was murdered and his dog, Royal, was left homeless. The guy had no other family and Rick talked me into letting us keep him at the precinct until we found a suitable home for him. Rick and I ended up agreeing to a 'joint custody' arrangement for the night. Castle took him home after work and agreed to drop the dog off later in the evening once I got off work. As, per usual, Rick was late dropping him off and I gave him grief about it. He proceeded to tell me what he and Royal did in my absence. They had eaten, played and relaxed on the couch (both of them) and watched some television. I continued to banter with him about spoiling the dog and making me the "bad guy". He reached out to grab my hand to show me something that the dog found comforting. His gesture was anything but soothing for me. As it turns out, the rubbing sensation of his thumb on the back of my hand sent a rush of heat through my body. We made eye contact at some point. I really couldn't say how long we stood there like that. My heart was racing and all I could hear was the wall around my heart starting to crumble. I vaguely remember saying his name right before we broke apart with him mumbling something like…"you get the idea" and then he was walking out the door telling the dog (not me) "don't miss me". We ended up solving the case the next day but we had to figure out what to do with the dog. Rick and I decided that it wasn't fair to shuttle Royal back and forth so we would let the dog choose who he would live with. Much to my displeasure the dog didn't choose either one of us. He picked the reality star that had been our best suspect at one point in the case. It is hard for me to admit it, but I selfishly wanted that dog to pick me. I would love to have someone or something to come home to every night. Plus, it might give a certain ruggedly handsome writer one more excuse to spend time outside of work with me. I know! I'm pathetic!

Mom, how can a simple touch affect me like that? Did you feel that kind of connection with Daddy? What will I do when we finally end up together? I don't know if I will be able to physically survive it. I'm a mess and we haven't even kissed with the exception of that undercover kiss almost a year ago when we were trying to save Javi & Kevin. Mom, what am I going to do about this? It is getting harder to resist temptation. It takes so much effort to not reach out to him, pull him close and kiss him senseless. I need to tell him how I feel and soon! I wish you were here to tell me what to do. I never thought I would admit it, but you always knew what to say when I needed help with something like this.

I better finish up my run. I am going to call Daddy about catching an early dinner. I'll come by again soon. Love you! Bye Mom.


	5. Chapter 5

Hey, Mom, it's me Kate. I'm sorry I haven't been here in a while especially after promising to come by more often. I have been so busy at work and going to my appointments with Doctor Burke. I have had a lot on my mind that I am trying to work through.

Lanie and I just finished shopping for my dress for the scholarship dinner that Rick put together in your honor. She helped me pick out a beautiful blue semi-formal dress that Lanie claims will have Rick and every other man in attendance picking their jaws up off the floor. She knows that I am only concerned about one man in particular's opinion of that dress. I think everyone knew that Rick and I had something special before we figured it out. I am surprised that Lanie hasn't teased me more about being Rick's date for the dinner. She is usually like a dog on a bone with information like this. I think everyone is still afraid the "fragile Kate" will run off and hide again if they push me too far because of how I cut them all out of my life last summer while I was trying to heal. I keep apologizing and the keep telling me that I am forgiven and we are good but I have my suspicions about that. I know I hurt them and our friendships with my selfishness but I am determined to repair that damage.

Sorry, back to the dinner and the dress. Mom, Lanie has such an eye for fashion and she always knows what will look good on me. She picked a red satin floor length gown that shows off all my curves as she put it. The only thing we disagreed on was the color. She wanted red because it was hot and demanded attention. I wanted blue because it was you favorite color and I wanted to feel as close to you as I could. That night has so much potential on so many fronts. I know it will be very emotional for Daddy and I, but it could also change a few people's lives if this event goes the way Rick is hoping it will. I can't get over him doing all of this for me especially after everything that has happened. He is anticipating a pretty large turnout. He invited politicians, authors, actors, singers as well as all of our family and friends. He is hoping to raise enough money to cover several scholarships. I am hoping we will raise enough to help one student where he is aiming for half a dozen. He said to me, "Kate, if we are going to do this, we are going to go big." I don't know if I am ready to be the center of attention. Not only am I supposed to get up in front of all of our family and friends as well as all of who's who of New York's social elite. I am terrified of looking like a bumbling idiot. Maybe I should let Rick do all of the talking and I will just be hanging out in the background shaking hands and saying thank you.

I know that you are probably what else brought me here today since I haven't been back here in several weeks. We have had a bizarre string of cases at work in the last several weeks. There was one case in particular that really messed with my mind. The case was about a mole in the CIA and a plot that would ultimately send the US into World War III. This case stirred up emotions that I wasn't sure I was capable of feeling as intensely as I did. The mole in the CIA was a female agent that Rick was involved with in the past. Someone he slept with. I know, it's not like we both haven't had our share of significant others, for God sake, Rick has been married twice. But this woman's role in Rick's past really hurt me more than it probably should have. Can you believe it, the CIA agent was his inspiration for Clara Strike in the the Derek Storm novels that you used to read. I was floored when I found out that he had shadowed her for a little over a year. I know it's stupid, but I got mad that I wasn't the only woman that he had followed around in the name of "research". What makes the situation worse, was the way that she looked at him. It was like she knew she could make him do whatever she wanted wanted without him ever giving it second thought. Mom, it made me so jealous that I blurted out some very inappropriate comments in front of his daughter. I have never been more jealous of another woman in my entire life. Not even Rick's ex-wife when she left with him for the Hamptons for the summer and I had to watch him leave with my true feelings on the tip of my tongue. If me being overwhelmed by the green-eyed monster wasn't bad enough, Rick could see how their past bothered me too. I know this is petty, Mom, but a part of me was happy that she turned out to be the bad guy! Her and Rick's past bothered me, but the things that really took the wind from my sails was when Sophia told me that a part of her regretted ever sleeping with Rick. She said that they had incredible chemistry when they first met but once they slept together and the longing was gone the wasn't a spark between them. That revelation caused me to re-think where I am headed with Castle. It made me think that the spark could burn out between us too. Even though I know he loves me, it had my mind reeling and running to the worst case scenarios of Rick leaving me once we crossed that line and slept together. It made me wonder if everything that I am working so hard to achieve was going to be worth the risk.

You would have been proud of me though. When Rick invited me to dinner after the case was over, I accepted. I figured I owed him a chance to tell his side of the story and clear the air between us in regards to Sophia and the things will still managed to leave unsaid during the case. He told me that she inspired a character in a book but I inspired a whole series of books and that what we have means so much more than what he had with her. I shared what she said to me and how that made me feel. I even admitted to being jealous of her. Doctor Burke probably would have been proud of me for that one! When I asked him if he would ever leave or get bored with me after we slept together he said there are still too many layers of the "Beckett Onion" he hasn't peeled away yet and I was the best mystery of his life.

Mom, I have never opened myself up to anyone like I have with Rick. Why do you think that is? Is it because of what I have been through in the last year? Is it because of my sessions with Doctor Burke? Could it be that I came too close to losing him when the bank exploded in October. I thought I would never see him again or get to tell him how I felt about him. Mom, I love him so much. Why can't I just tell him that I heard him that day last May in the cemetery. I already confessed to him that when I am ready for a relationship that I want it to be with him. He keeps telling me that he will wait for me but how long can I realistically ask him to wait? It's like I am playing with his emotions or holding them hostage. Should I let him go or should I just dive in with him and to hell with the consequences? I know I am almost where I want to be but I can't fully jump in with him until my secret is out in the open. I can't start a relationship with him with this lie of mine still between us. I know I risk him walking away over this but he needs to know that I know and why I lied to him for all of these months.

God, how I wish you were here to tell me what I should do. I feel like I am constantly treading water and I will never make it to the deep end of the pool. Maybe being his date to this scholarship dinner will help me get some forward motion where Rick and I as a couple are concerned.

I better get home. I am going to have a busy day tomorrow at work. I promise to bring you happy news the next time I stop by instead of all this heavy emotional baggage that I always seem to have following me.

Love you, Mom.

Bye. 


	6. Chapter 6

Hi Mom, it's me again. I know that last time I promised you that I would have only happy things to tell you when I came back. I would have too, if I would have just came on Sunday. But now, I am so confused. I don't know where everything went wrong. I've went from being on cloud nine, so happy it's almost sickening to feeling like I have read a story but the most crucial part has been torn out of the book. Let me start with the good stuff and then maybe by talking to you some of the fog will lift.

Rick and I finally went out on a "real" date. We both got all dressed up, he came to the door with flowers, we danced and we kissed. Oh my God that kiss, it was so much better than the first one. Mom, it physically made me weak in the knees. I...Oh, I really shouldn't go into specifics about this kind of stuff with my mom. I'll save that for Lanie, except it will have to be edited a bit. She doesn't know anything about the first kiss. I think you are the only person I have told about it.

Mom, the dinner was amazing. Rick had flowers all over the ballroom because he remembered me saying how much you loved flowers. He had a few pictures of you and our family displayed. I think Daddy must have helped him with those, there were some that I had never seen. The music was wonderful and my first dance of the night was with dad while Rick shared a dance with his daughter, Alexis. I got to spend three dances in Rick's arms. It just felt so right to be there, finally. I didn't even think about running away. Shocking, I know! He was so sweet. He could tell I was getting a little choked up so he requested the DJ play a couple slow songs so we could share a couple dances so he could hold me tight and I could catch my breath before I had to face all of our friends. He made me feel so safe and comfortable that I actually made it through the little speech I had to give. You know that I am a horrible public speaker. And to think, I was pre-law at Stanford. How could I have ever been an attorney and tried cases in front of a jury when I can't speak in public to save my life? You would have loved him Mom. He is everything to me. He always knows what I need before I do.

We kind of skipped out early from the benefit dinner to continue our date back at my place. No, before you say it, we didn't go back there for that! Yes, I thought about it but I am not ready for that step yet. We cuddled on the catch and started to watch a movie that we never made it through. I guess the emotions of the night really got to me because before we were a half an hour into the movie, I was nodding off on his shoulder, so much for a romantic date. I asked him to stay. He wasn't too sure about that decision. He looked at me like I had two heads but I convinced him that I just wanted to fall asleep and wake up in his arms. Oh, and that knee-buckling kiss took place in the middle of all of this too. I wanted to be somewhere that I felt safe and happy. Lanie woke us up with a text during the night. She had noticed that we had left early and was checking to see if I was okay. Her impromptu wake-up called launched Rick and I into what turned out to be an awkward conversation. I told him that I have been keeping something from him for a while now and I was afraid of how he would take the truth when I tell him. I told him he needs to give me a week to build my courage up and then I would come clean. I know he is going to be angry, Mom. He promised me that he wouldn't walk away from me...us. How can he promise me that without having any idea what I am going to say? Did he say that because he knew that was my biggest fear that he would walk away? Or is it because he loves me that much that nothing will make him leave? After our talk about my secret, Rick decided it was best if he went home and we both could have some time. I think he wanted me to get started on building up that courage I said I needed. The sooner I tell him the better right?

I didn't speak to him until we were back at work on Monday after the bomb exploded at the protest. We were reflecting on missed opportunities because of all of the things the victims would never have a chance to do and I started to speak up about something I didn't want to put off anymore but per our usual, Esposito came to get us and yet another chance missed. So we got engrossed in the case and trying to find the bomber and we never went back to the topic. The next morning Rick came in bearing our morning coffee and that smile that I think he saves just for me and told me he's been thinking. He said that he has been thinking about the victims and missed opportunities and he doesn't want... Ryan interrupted him with a lead in the case. Can't we just once finish a conversation without interruptions? Seriously, give a girl a break here. Twice in two days and we can't just say what we need to say! So like the great guy Castle is, he says it will keep until the case is over and we get back to work. The more I think about it, the more I want to shoot Ryan! If we would have had five more minutes. I might have had really great news to tell you Mom! Now, I have no idea where I stand with Rick. Something happened the next day that changed everything. He came into the precinct and seemed very cold and distant and really never held eye contact with me at all. I knew something was bothering him but I couldn't put my finger on it.

I remember standing in front of the murder board and staring at his empty chair, because he hadn't come in yet, and Ryan caught me staring at it. He asked me what I was doing and I told him, "Just planning my next move." He thought I was talking about the case but I was thinking more along the lines of my curiously missing partner, then Ryan announced that we had a lead on our new prime suspect. The boys went to pick up the guy while I prepared for the interrogation. Rick and my morning coffee still hadn't made an appearance when I left to go in to talk to our suspect. For some reason the suspect, Bobby, pushed all the wrong buttons for me that morning. I don't know if it was lack of caffeine or if it was just the excuses he was giving me about not remembering what happened. He said couldn't remember anything because of the trauma. I just snapped, Mom. I told him he didn't get to use that as an excuse. I yelled at him that I was shot in the chest and I remembered every second of it. I don't know why I said that to him. I don't know if it was on my mind because I wanted to come clean to Rick about my secret or if it was just Bobby's lame excuses or some combination of both.

Once that interrogation was over, I saw a coffee cup on my desk and realized that Rick had shown up at some point. I asked Espo if Castle had been in and he said that he had been in earlier but had somewhere he had to be. All I could think was how sweet it was that he went out of his way to bring me coffee even though he couldn't stay. That "somewhere he had to be" must be the pivotal thing that has caused his drastic change in behavior. He came back to help with the case but he wasn't his normal happy go lucky self. He was cold and distant. He made snippy comments that I could have sworn were directed at me for some reason. I'm a detective, I should be able to work backwards and figure out what the hell happened to him from the time he dropped off my coffee to when he returned to the precinct. My "incident" is a one to two hour window. How do I find out where he went? Who can I ask since he isn't really talking to me? He even turned down drinks with me at the Old Haunt. What the hell happened and why is he taking it out on me? I wasn't even with him all morning to do something to ruin what we had going on Saturday! How can everything go from perfect to perfect mess in a matter of a couple days?

Mom, I could really use some words of wisdom here. I don't know where to go from here. I can't very well approach him with my secret now. He is already so cold and distant I wouldn't want to make it worse. I would expect this after I tell him, but I never saw this coming. I think the universe must have it in for me. Am I not allowed to find true love? I have always walled myself off from everybody and now that I finally have my first chance at true happiness since your death I can't catch a break. We were so close at my apartment and now he can hardly stand to be near me at all. God, I wish you were here to hug me and tell me everything will be okay. I always felt better after one of your hugs. There is something to be said for the healing power of a mother's love.

That's it! Maybe I should go talk to Martha. She always knows what is going on with Rick. A mother always knows, right? At least that's what you used to tell me! What if she doesn't know or refuses to tell me? What excuse do I make if Rick walks in while I am pumping his mother for information that could fix whatever has broken between us? Maybe, I should just go home and sleep on it. I need to look at this with a set of fresh eyes in the morning if I am going to figure it out. If I can't figure it out on my own, I will be forced to call in reinforcements. Lanie will help me. She scares the crap out of Castle. Maybe she can get him to spill the beans or maybe she can extract information from her new intern that might be useful to my little investigation. This is going to frustrate me to no end until I figure it out.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on about my date and the crumbling of the best relationship I've ever had, even though it never got started properly. Coming here, talking with you was the best idea I think I've had all day, far better than my idea to go for drinks at the Old Haunt. Everybody bailed on me. I wonder if the boys know what is going on with him. Did they really have plans or were they just trying to set Rick and I up to be alone? I need to save all of this for another day and get some sleep.

I think I am going to head home now Mom.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, they raised over half a million dollars for the Johanna Beckett Memorial Scholarship fund and Rick was going to match it dollar for dollar with proceeds from the profits from the Nikki Heat books.

I'll come by soon Mom. Hopefully, I'll have all of the answers to all my questions by then.

I love you Mom.

Bye.


End file.
